Two years today. That is how long it has been since I checked myself into treatment at Eating Recovery Center (ERC) in Denver, CO. It is strange and also wonderful to think that it has been that long. It makes me reflect on how far I have come in that span of time and all the improvement I have made. It is incredible to think of just how far I have actually come and the accomplishments I have made considering even four years ago entering inpatient/residential treatment the first time around I believed that I had little to no hope and even at ERC I had days where still felt there were things that I did not believe I could overcome.
In two years I have changed my life for the better…
Today I am back to doing what I love, which is writing. I am able to write and read, which is something I was worried that I had lost forever. In the throes of my eating disorder, I was unable to do either because of my lack of concentration.
Today I am able to participate in life again and not miss out on the things that I love most. I am able to go to football and soccer games, watch them at home, feel the joy of fanaticism that I have always had in my heart. There is nothing like finding that joy again and embracing that part of myself that I love.
Today I am able to have relationships with people. I have the kind of friendships that I want and deserve and that my friends deserve. I am not so caught up in my eating disorder that I am unable to have any other relationship but with my eating disorder. I am not alone and isolated, losing relationships because I would rather have my eating disorder instead.
Today I am overcoming and have overcome many issues that have plagued me for many years. My fear foods list is now down to a very small number of items when I used to have a huge list of fears and only a small list of safe foods. My eating disorder is nearly faded away. The thoughts linger, especially in tough times, and haunt me sometimes, but behaviors are nowhere to be found. Slowly, but surely, I am working on my body image and it is always improving. I constantly work on trauma and rape and I have gone from not even being able to really mention it four years ago, barely talking about it two years ago, still blaming myself a year ago, to today and within the last six months finally not blaming myself and working through what happened. The OCD will be next on my list to tackle though I have worked through quite a bit already.
Next month I will be returning to Denver, CO. I will return to the area where I truly began my recovery journey. I will return as a professional, not a patient. I will return to attend the Binge Eating Disorder Association’s 5th Annual Conference. There are few words to express the joy that I feel at this moment. My life has shifted from illness to wellness, from existing to living. Two years from now, I can only imagine what I will have accomplished, what will have changed in my life. I am only too excited to find out and to go on that journey!