The Uncertainty of the Ocean

I was at the beach today.  It was an ocean beach at the Puget Sound.  Usually at the ocean I might put my feet in enough to walk in the sand and water and down the beach, but I never venture far into the water.  I am fearful of what may be in the ocean.  I am afraid of what could be lurking in the waters, especially and specifically because it is not clear.  There could be jellyfish or crab, sharp shells or seaweed, or maybe even a shark!  It is a complete unknown at times what could truly be beneath your feet.  And that frightens me.  Enough to keep me mostly on land.

But today, I walked into the water and kept walking.  I looked at my feet and could hardly catch a glimpse, but I kept walking.  Despite not knowing what was beneath me, I continued walking.  I decided that my desire to be in the ocean amongst the beauty, solitude, and joyfulness was greater than my fear of the unknown and uncertain.

I realized at that moment that I do not know what is in front of me now either.  My world is in a great transition and I am attempting to cope with a low point without turning to my eating disorder again.  This moment and what is before me is a huge unknown and very uncertain.  But I am going to keep walking.  The unknown/uncertain is scary and unnerving but I can face it and overcome it.  Just like the ocean, I can walk through all this scariness and be okay.  I will be okay.

My Recovery Journey: Depression

I have not written much in my blog recently, which makes me sad and disappointed.  I had hoped that I would write in this blog at least every week and continue on the same journey I was on only nine months ago.  A journey of continuous growth, positivity, and possibilities.  As it happened, my life did not end up that way.  The months continued on and I struggled to write and to participate in every day life.  I tried to pretend that things were not as bad as they were as I struggled daily.IMG_2014[1]

Things finally reached a breaking point recently.  After seven months of being ill every day from my past eating disorder and other issues and being depressed for nearly as long, I decided things needed to change.  I have been working to change the things that I can change while working to accept the things that I cannot.  It is an on-going process.

Over the last seven months, I have lost a lot of hope, connection, and ability to participate in things I used to, but in the last several weeks, I have been slowly gaining it back.  I have realized that no matter what depths I may enter or complications in my path, my world continues on and so will I.  I will overcome what obstacle is before me, I will feel better, and I will be okay.  This is not the end of my life, but simply a change in direction or a bump in the road.IMG_0011

This last week I have a new strategy for combating all of this grief and depression I am going through.  Keep busy and keep going!  I have been doing art projects on things like why I want recovery and who I am.  It has been so healing as well as occupying.  I have something to be proud of, something to do, and something that gives me some healing.  How wondrous!  I feel a little better with each project.

All of this will pass.  It is all a part of being Bipolar and the cycles that I experience and it will end as they all do.  And the being sick?  It hopefully is already gone.  I have not felt sick for over two weeks now thanks to a new approach.

There is always hope.  If you are struggling, continue to hang in there.  It shall pass and the sun shall shine again!